Question by : Do you like it or not. Rate it 1-10?
know the spelling is really bad and the grammer, don’t even comment on that, I’ll fix it. You’ll still get best answer no doubt if you trash it as long as you tell me why. So don’t sugar coat things just for points. I’ve just turned 13 by the way. Is the begining to boring?
It’s a short story. Is it in the right format? Can you understand it? Is it good, what do I need to work on?
Here it is:
Back Fire
Could you have done what we did? We where pioneers! And we where fighters! We came to this unknown land, where unknown others dwell that needed to be plowed away, and even colours to the eye that gave us pain. Though we adapted.
And you know what? My type did well all the same. I had a cot to rest, a facility to wash, a room for nutrition, and even a mirror, my favorite, to reflect what a wonder I am here on planet earth. I may be a lower class of my sorts, but I still add to the population other than humans. The greater number against the natives to earth, more control we have of it and the superb climate rather than our last planet- the planet of flames and torment.
Indeed, unlike others, I exited it without giving a thought to my kin. You have to play harsh if you don’t want to live harsh. My species favorite line.
But here alas, before I lay my head for sleep, I put on a cotton bed wear granted to me for arriving to tend to the task of taking over this new planet. With that, I braid my elegant Indigo face skin with a dandy new silk ribbon and put my arm fingers to serenity from their usual hyper selves with a handy new injection also given. With another gift, oil from poppy seeds, I cleansed my name that was engraved on the top of my head- Malloa.
Life was good since arriving here.
I fancy also having my door wide in the night, so the scent of spring cleanses the room. Though tonight something else came in but intoxicated my dwelling instead.
At first, once I with happiness submerged in my covers, I heard the faint sound of footsteps, getting closer, and closer and closer. An animal in the night? But a taunting feelings in my instincts told me otherwise.
My body lay still, as still as the dead men we prosecute. Because a figure scurried in franticly. It only had two arms sticking out at the side. It was a person.
I almost gag, thinking how its filthy little body is soiling my room. Its face, all smooth and most times waist colored hair at the top of their head is repulsive to me.
It must be crazed running from the death room, most likely. I heard tales of people taking cover anywhere, such in panic they don’t care what place might it be. Mostly drugged too, for the aroma of us is hard for them to obtain without going mad.
The human stashes its alien body under my bed, hardly being able to comprehend is enemy is above him. Over on my table, I turn my head and see my Trauxen. The most valuable possession other than my soul I attain. It is used for times like these, to kill, in a rather painful way, humans.
At first I hesitate to move. Because I’m scared. Because I’m a coward. I shake these human like emotions from me. I should be more petrified if I don’t, for soon my enemy will populate against my kind, taking possession of earth again, shooing us off to where we where all breaded. Or inflict the torture we put upon them. I shiver at the thought.
My side hand reaches and grasps the weapon to my right. The unsteady breathing of the thing below me is the most irritating sound ever. A zing of thirst to execute fills me. I get from my bed and stand, feeling its air hit my skin.
With one quick movement, it pushes me to the ground. The nerve! I hear my attacker rush from beneath my mattress, ready to escape. It must be a smart one, being able to think with the stench of who I am and what I am able to succeed.
Doesn’t matter though. It must die.
I am quick to get up, and from amidst the black I see the outline of it, trembling with fear. I can feel my eye twitch with glee as I aim.
I press to shoot.
The waves of blue emerge from the machine towards the figure.
And. . .
And back again to me?
Hitting me in the heart that humans say I don’t have.
I fall to the ground and wilt, the mirror in front of me. The mirror that I would once look at and see my dainty body. I hit myself. The waves from my tool bounced back to me.
The last thing I experience besides my aches is the human hiss in my ear with a mocking tone, “Sometimes you got to play harsh if you don’t wanna live harsh.†He takes his foot and jams it into my skull, leaving me even more absolutely unable to invade or signal there’s a person on the loose.
And with one turn, he saunters out into the moonlight, my Trauxen in one hand, an apple in another and its heart filled with sick pride as I slowly vanish away to more agony in hell.
DOn’t comment on grammer or spelling I know, I know.
Angelina, Your too young to be here. And thanks for the critism but Your 12 lol
Best answer:
Answer by Sexy Sadie
It needs a lot of work.
Your first paragraph makes no sense. It also does nothing to hook a reader in.
13 is old enough to know the basics of the English language and I am glad you will be “fixing” your errors.
If you love writing, keep at it and don’t give up. You can only get better as you get older.
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